Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
