Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
