She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
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