This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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