If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
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