Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
