Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
