My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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