my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
