i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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