Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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