Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
