no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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