decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
