Heybabeimwearingurpanties
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
