Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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