Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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