my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
