You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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