You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
