If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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