I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
