I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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