I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
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