3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
