So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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