I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
