I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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