so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
