I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
