i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
