I just pynch a tree in the face
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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