You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
