So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
