There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
