I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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