you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
