watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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