I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Please don't give away my fajitas
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
