just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
