I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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