no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
