Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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