He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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