I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
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