I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
