She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize