now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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