Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Randomize
