You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize