He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
