I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
