we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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