Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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