When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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