i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize