my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
